Gabor Szendi:
You are who you think you are

I sit in front of the computer and stare at the blank screen: I feel that I should write something, but the only thing that comes to mind is the thought of who will read this. Of course, I already have a reader - you - who is sitting in front of your monitor reding these words, and now you are wondering why I wrote 'reding' without an 'a'. OK, that was intentional this time, but being afraid of how many letters we mistype.

 

 

Dear? Or honored? Or simply...?

What I want to write about is something like this: How do we reach the point where we become paralyzed by an empty white page, when we can't decide on elementary things? Why do we feel miserable, why do we often think we're big zeros, and why do our stomachs lurch with nerves when we think that tomorrow, next week, or at any time, we have to stand in front of a lot of people - or even just one person - and say something terribly clever.

Consider the case of letter writing. Surprisingly it has been found that many people are afraid of the words or sentences they have to write. They hate - for example - e-mailing, because it takes them an hour or a day to write a letter. That is, if they don't give up halfway. This problem is only understood by someone whose abilities are similarly cramped. A lot of people miss opportunities, and would rather take a financial loss, just to avoid writing a letter.

A young man (with a university degree!) came to see me and I found out that along with other troubles, he didn't dare to write letters. We agreed that before our next meeting he would send me an email about his everyday life. The letter duly arrived, and there was nothing wrong with it. But at our next meeting he told me the story of the letter. He had sat in front of the computer all Sunday morning and couldn't write anything. By lunchtime he had fallen into despair and decided to give up. But then, in the afternoon, his conscience began to prick him, and he braced himself again and finally forced the letter out. It could have been easily typed by another person, in about a minute's worth of conversation.

The next task was for him to refrain from correcting typos and compositional errors in his letters. This was even harder, but he fulfilled this as well. Then he had to write short emotive stories about his workplace. It turned out that he could write very well. Of course, not everything has been solved, but he can now write a letter. We haven't met in a year but he writes sometimes, and most recently he said that the writing is now going pretty well.

If someone cannot write, it is because of their doubts. When we write a word or a sentence, an inner voice says: Is this really the best of all existing sentences? Of course not: Sentence deleted. For anyone writing like that, every word, every turn of phrase is like hand-to-hand combat. Is the wording too simple? Is what I've written easily misunderstandable? Is it impolite? Why do I get so intimate? And so on. The main problem seems to be how to formulate the writing correctly. But the real question is: How does it reflect on me, how does it show me, that is, WHO AM I?

But really, who am I?

Well, that is not known. The question is wrong. Because from whose point of view, based on facts or our abilities, or yesterday or today? There are only wrong answers, or sometimes no answer to a wrong question. We know well enough, that the same person can be many things in their various roles, from different angles, experiencing different acts - from the stupid jerk to the brilliant flautist, from the sassy costumer to the adorable father. In fact, these are all the person and still not the person. We all are a working, complex structure with only states, but there is no tangible thing, about which we can say: This is me.

We talk about the weather, but there is no weather, only cold, a rainbow, or sunshine with fleecy clouds. But weather itself does not really exist, it's just an abstract concept. For almost a hundred years, psychology and sociology have been studying how to predict the behavior of a particular person. However, this cannot be predicted. Let's say you're exactly that person who hates writing letters. We are watching you with hidden cameras, as you go about your business of not liking to write letters. But then you suddenly decide to put an end to this letter writer's cramp, and start writing a letter. Was this predictable? No. - Even you didn't know this in the previous minute. Who am I? Someone who is constantly waiting in their life, or the person who will for once seize the great opportunity? Or am I the person who cannot make decisions, or who has not faced a real decision yet?

Am I who that I think I am?

People spend a lot of time sorting out their supposed successes or alleged failures, tearing up their self-explanations, and wondering who they really are. Their self-definition never covers their full being, but is an interpretation which always serves hidden purposes. For example, someone feels oppressed by their surroundings, and is never paid attention to because they are a trivial, boring, gray figure. That is why, at times, they rarely make even a timid attempt to want something, say something, or contradict someone. They have a self-image where they have no right to want, to feel, no right to have needs, and that they are stupid, and too inexperienced to make important decisions. That is why such a person defines an 'insignificant' role for themself that they, a little hurt, then achieve. The role comes with well-prescribed behaviors, and they adhere to them diligently. Because breaking these rules would put them in the position they want to achieve (or avoid?) in this role. For example, not having to think of themself as someone. In reality, every nobody thinks that they are someone in secret, but they think that this is not what others think. That's why they try to ensure they are a nobody. Their environment recognizes this and treats them accordingly. Other people really don't pay attention to them, and really do ignore them, not asking for their opinion. This gives the feedback, confirming their belief: I am really nobody. The whole thing sounds a bit paradoxical: if I believe that I am no one and start behaving accordingly, then I will really become nobody, and my experience will convince me about this as well.

I'll be Someone from this day on!

Now, if it's that simple, why do we not simply believe that we are Someone? Then we will be Someone! Increasingly, I am convinced that so many enviably successful people have only succeeded because they were able to pre-empt their own success. A successful businessperson, a scientist, an artist, or an athlete only differs from the so-called average person in that they dared to endure putting in the energy and time into what paid them back only much later. Big ideas and great achievements, when looking back, are often obvious. Many respected people secretly don't understand what makes them so special, but after a while they accept it: 'It seems like I really do know something.'

Sometimes this is nothing more than a manic attachment to something. Demosthenes stuttered, but he decided that he would be an orator. He did become one, and history records his name to this day. Napoleon was only one of many soldiers, but the saying comes from him: That every soldier carries a Marshal's baton in his knapsack. Or let's consider the case of Bill Gates. Computers were his mania, and back in 1968, Gates was nothing more than a teenage computer fanatic. When the first microcomputer came out, Gates and his friend Paul Allen called the manufacturing company and lied about having written a BASIC program. Only after they had ordered a computer from the company, did they actually write the program. Later Gates left Harvard, to do what he had become obsessed with.

But let's leave the big things behind. Who gets onto Pop Idol? Well not those who got the idea that it would be good to sing only once the call appeared that applications for the talent show were open. Those people that get on the show and become winners, are those who have always stubbornly believed that they would be singers, even before the great opportunity came along.

Of course, not everyone gets to be Demosthenes, Napoleon, Bill Gates or a Pop Idol winner. But anyone can be a successful, self-fulfilling, self-satisfied person. Being a successful parent, creative housekeeper, or original face can be as satisfying as being a chosen and famous person. The latter, of course, requires some luck and ability. But note, this becomes clear only afterwards! Luck finds those who are looking for it!

The real question is what the engine of success is. The average person likes to strive for goals that have already been proven to exist (that is, others have already proven them), and that are worthwhile. If they see evidence for it, then they will be able to do it. Of course, for these superlative purposes, there will never be a big bang. How to make soup from instant soup? Once someone has climbed the Himalayas first, there is no way to climb it first again. And there is no course to learn how to be a Napoleon, a Bill Gates, or how to train for the next five years to have an exclusive big idea that doesn't even exist yet. But neither is it taught, not to dare coming up with a new recipe, risking the Sunday lunch.

Those who make it are usually not bothered by the degree of reality of what they love doing. My favorite examples are Van Gogh, who sold only one picture in his life, or Rorschach, who in his short life earned just 25 Swiss francs with his celebrated test.

But then what is the difference between self-realizers and 'nobodies'?

Please do tell me what am I supposed to do?

Let's go back to the letter writing. The young man hadn't dared to write a letter before, and then on one occasion he just started writing. At first, he couldn't believe that he could write a letter, or he believed what he would write would have a terrible effect on the reader. When he first devoted himself to writing the letter, he had to accept that he would be able to write a letter and that, 'It will be as it will be' and, 'That's it, this is how I can do it, that's all.'

He was able to pre-empt himself with what he had not yet done, and he accepted the judgment and consequences of his work in advance. So the recipe can be formulated that he was able to create a new role or self-image that said, 'I'm a person who, even if barely, can write a letter, and who doesn't care about what others will say about it.' When he wrote me that the letter writing was already going well, his self-image had evolved to, 'I'm a man who can write pretty good letters.'

Demosthenes could have said to himself, 'I am a man who can overcome stuttering.' Napoleon's career began to rise when an impregnable English fort was recaptured through a trick. He did not say, "If no one else could, then how could I?' Rather, "I am the man who can achieve even this.' When Allen and Gates lied about their alleged program, they also thought, 'We can do this.'

OK, of course, now you might say, if it were only that simple. But those people believed in themselves. The truth is, not believing in ourselves is as much an effort as believing. Those who do not believe in themselves are constantly working to override their accidental slips of success into something negative, constantly seeking arguments and excuses for not daring to 'think big.' This is tiring in the long run and they may later be classified as depressed. However, such a person is just tired of constantly 'not believing.' What's more, you don't have to believe in yourself at first, it will come naturally later. Reactions to our changed behaviors will confirm that our belief was well placed.

A man wrote to me about a year ago: He had brilliant abilities, but at home - to put it mildly - he was always shouted at by his partner. He considered this very derogatory but felt helpless. I advised him that from now on, instead of arguing, he should always say in silence: This is what I want. This is how I want it. Why? Because. Because that's how I see it. Soon he wrote back that he could hardly believe it, but it was working. In fact, I was only advising on his behavior, but he was able to accomplish this by developing a role for himself where, 'I am a person whose word counts and who has will.' And it worked!

So, if you want to change yourself starting tomorrow, you just have to imagine how you would behave if you actually believed in yourself. 'If I were to believe in myself, I would take on the job that I was afraid of.' Great, do it! Then you will be overwhelmed by what you have released upon yourself, because now you will have to learn to do things that you previously couldn't. Take a deep breath and imagine what you would do if you believed in yourself. 'I would start to learn to do my job without hesitation.' Correct. You'll get the hang of it! (Unless you take a job as a Japanese interpreter with zero knowledge of Japanese!)

A person is who they believe they are. It does not replace hard work, endurance, frustration tolerance, but faith in yourself gives the strength to endure.

Just pretend to believe in yourself and you will soon actually believe!